Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
