Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
