Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
