Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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