Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
