i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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