I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
