giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
