shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
