I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
