I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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