I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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