I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
