I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
