2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
