you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
