oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
