we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
