I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
