Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
