So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Randomize
