I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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