Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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