I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
