He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
