Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
