My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
