i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
