the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
