I never want to see another naked old woman again.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
we're making bets on your personal life
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
