I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
