He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
