We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
