Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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