I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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