Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
