it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
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