i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza