If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
