They should really pass out barf bags in church
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??