Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I'm always down for nudity.
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