this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
someone owes me an orgasm
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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