Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
