My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
