I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
