I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Randomize
