Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize