we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
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Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
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I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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