There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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