I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You left your underwear on the fireplace
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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