this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
