i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
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You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
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You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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