I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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