There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
