the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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