Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
